The Quest for Kawaii, or Ron Beacomes a Weebo
by Mr.Dr.Dude
Summary: After and incident with a bird, Ron meets a Hufflepuff who introduces him to the joys of anime and the concept of a potato clock. Soon he goes on an epic quest for Kawaii, and makes a discovery about himself.


Ron Weasley's life was forever changed on that fateful day. The sun was shining, a bird was singing. He wasn't sure if it was a magical bird or just a regular one, it was hard to tell what the hell was magical or not, even if you were born into a wizard family. He supposed the bird could be magical, after all, it was just one bird that was singing, and you would think if it was a normal bird it might have other birds around singing, but that really didn't mean anything, especially with a tree that clubbed any bird stupid enough to land on it. There tended to be a lot of dead birds around because of that tree. Ron was contemplating trying to whack this particular bird himself because moments before it had shit right on his head.

"That's supposed to be good luck you know." Came a voice off to the side. Ron had heard that, but it didn't really make him feel any better. If anything, it made him stop wanting to whack the bird and wizard bitch slap whatever dumbass just said that.

"So I've heard." Ron said before walking off to clean the possibly magical bird shit out of his hair. _This is ridiculous,_ he thought as he hurried to the nearest bathroom, _I wouldn't have even been outside if Harry and Hermione weren't busy doing wizard god knows what._ They never had time for him anymore. Hermione was always studying or something, but that was nothing new. Still, she had been spending less time with him than normal, and he could have sworn he saw her walking with Draco of all wizards earlier for some reason. Harry was acting weird too. He had been talking to his brothers Fred and George more and had some muggle device he called an electric waffle iron with him a lot these days. Harry always seemed nervous whenever he asked about it, or the odd square burns on him.

Ron did his best to wash the possibly magical bird crap out of his hair, but the end results left his hair in a spiky mess of a style. He tried to flatten it but it just wouldn't cooperate no matter what. Ron was suddenly grateful he didn't try to attack the probably magical bird. If it shitting in his hair did this, there is no telling what else it could have done. Still, this hairstyle looked ridiculous. The door to the bathroom opened and Ron tensed, oh wizard god he didn't want anybody to see his hair like this.

"Cool hair!" Exclaimed a student Ron had never seen before who wore the colors of Hufflepuff.

"Wizard fuck off." Growled out. This had been, and pardon the pun, a thoroughly shitty day.

"No, I really mean it! It looks like an anime!" Ron looked back in the mirror, how could this guy think this looked cool? A sudden question burst from his lips.

"What the wizard hell is anime?" The Hufflepuff's jaw dropped open and his eyes bugged out like some kind of... thing with bugged out eyes. Ron wasn't very good with similes.

"Only the best thing ever!" A fire ignited behind his eyes. Not literally, he just got really excited. "It's these Japanese cartoons basically and they are so awesome! They have everything, robots, huge swords and panty shots!" The sudden stream of information was delivered on a single breath. The Hufflepuff inhaled. "It's so great! You have to see it sometime! I know, me and some of the other muggle born guys in Hufflepuff are going to have an anime marathon and you should totally come!" Ron suspected two things, the first being that this guy only ever exclaimed when talking, the second, that this "anime" thing might be pretty cool.

"Sure, why not." He didn't have anything better to do anyway.

Ron wasn't sure how, but somehow these Hufflepuffs had gotten this muggle device to the school. He supposed it could have fit in a large trunk, but not with all the clothes and things one would need for school. No way in wizard hell an owl or something could have delivered it. They called it a "television" and they somehow figured out how to make a muggle device that runs on electricity work at Hogwarts. The wire running from the back was connected to other wires that were attached to a series of interconnected... Potatoes? There were other bits and pieces sticking up from the potatoes, the purpose of which was lost on Ron. Was that ham sandwich part of the contraption or was that just someone's lunch?

"Cool, Right!?" Exclamation guy exclaimed. "It's a modified potato clock!" He explained, forgetting the fact that wizards in general lacked any understanding of science, it being totally neglected from the curriculum along with math.

"Potato clock?"

"Yeah! You stick certain types of metal into a potato and it reacts with the potato to create a small amount of electricity, which can be hooked up to a clock! We just modified the process and used magic to increase the output!" Ron was pretty sure he saw a potato pulsating like a heart.

The other Hufflepuffs bustled about the room doing this and that, dimming the lights and laying snacks upon the small table the had "procured" from an unused classroom which was now being used for storage. Someone popped in a VHS tape and pressed play, because the books all take place in the 90's so they hadn't been replaced by DVDs yet, or online streaming and outright internet piracy. None of those things exist yet so they just put in a VHS. The screen lit up, displaying a slightly grainy video people with bizarre colored hair and a cutesy but kind of annoying mascot character. They stayed in the room for hours watching hour after hour of anime until Ron completely succumbed to its powers. Ron reached for the pocky.

Ron's hair was spiked, his sunglasses pointy, and he had somehow managed to get a wooden sword, with much help from Exclamation guy, who's name, he learned, was Toby. After countless hours of merely watching it, Ron had BECAME anime. Life had suddenly became brighter for him, not literally since he could hardly see through the shades, but metaphorically life was brighter for him. The air seemed fresher, the people seemed nicer, and he had started hallucinating cherry blossoms falling everywhere he was.

"Ron-senpai!" Called out a familiar voice.

"Toby-kun!" Called out Ron as he turned to Toby. The Hufflepuff was waving and grinning as he ran up. It occurred to Ron as the boy ran to greet him, that he looked adorable with the falling cherry blossoms even if they weren't really there. He was so distracted that he didn't realize that Toby wasn't slowing down right up until the moment he crashed into him.

"What the wizard hell baka!" Ron was knocked flat onto the ground and Toby landed directly on top of him. Toby stared deeply into his eyes and blushed like a schoolgirl. He got up and helped Ron get to his feet, while Ron suddenly realized how big his hands were. How could this be!? Could this be THAT genre? He didn't think it was, but his hands didn't lie, they were totally misproportioned for his body

Suddenly a bizarre furry creature appeared in a puff of smoke. It had pointy ears, a big fluffy tail, and huge eyes. Ron could not decide what the wizard hell it actually was. In all honesty it looked like a cross between a cat, a squirrel, and a plush doll. Simply put, it looked like an unholy abomination of cuteness.

"I need your help!" Cried the thing in a high pitched voice that would become really annoying after a couple of episodes. "The world is in trouble!"

"Wait, what?"

"The Dark Demon King imprisoned like one thousand years ago or something is going to destroy the world."

"Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about."

"The only thing that can stop him is the Sword of Kawaii, and you are the chosen master of the blade!"

"Why? I don't even know what that even is, or how to use a sword."

"You must retrieve it from it's resting place."

"Stop ignoring me you weird squirrel thing."

"We must go now!" The cat doll thing left in a puff of pink smoke taking Ron and Toby with it.

The road they had been walking down for hours was suddenly blocked by a figure who's pointy hair rivalled Ron's. He leveled his sword at the trio dramatically, his coat flapping in the nonexistent wind. Ron stepped forward, brandishing the wooden sword.

"You will not get passed me." The swordsman stated, his words not quite syncing up with his mouth movements.

"We'll see about that." Growled Ron.

"Watch out!" Cried the cat squirrel thing with its grating high pitched voice. "It's the Dubbed Swordsman! He has an unnecessarily long backstory!"

"Then I'll just have to end this quickly!" Ron swung his sword at the swordsman who met him blow for blow, somehow not slicing the wooden sword in half with his real one. The fighting was faced paced an intense, but it ended just as suddenly as it began. The two panted heavily and stared at each other.

"You will never be able to-" the Dubbed Swordsman began. He was quickly silenced by Ron hitting him in the head with his wooden sword, cutting him off mid-monologue. He fell to the ground stunned.

"That was pointless." Commented Ron. Toby and squirrel doll thing nodded in agreement as they continued down the road.

 _"I don't see why we couldn't just use your teleportation ability to get there."_ Read Ron's subtitles as he climbed the dangerous face of the Subbed Mountain with Toby clinging to his back like a baby monkey. " _It would save us a lot of time."_

" _There is a perfectly good reason for this."_ Read the cat thing's subtitles. " _The Dark Demon King is... using his powers to interfere with it."_

 _"You forgot you could do that didn't you?"_

 _"N-no!"_

 _"It's cool, just teleport us there now."_

 _"No, you're being a jerk."_

"Accept your role." Commanded the Priest of Yaoi. "Your hands reveal your true nature. Accept your role as a seme and only then shall you pass." Ron fell to his knees staring at his hands. It was true, they really were... he hardly dared admit it to himself, but he could no longer deny what he knew in his heart, they were yaoi hands.

"How?" The question burst from Ron's lips. The Priest pointed to something behind Ron. Turning slowly, He turned to see Toby.

"Ron-senpai?"

"Toby-chan, I... I like you!" Ron suddenly kissed the Hufflepuff boy. The priest looked on nodding, a smile on her face, speaking only one word as the Gates of Yaoi opened.

"Sugoi."

Ron grasped the handle of the Sword of Kawaii and raised it triumphantly to the sky, his uke Toby in one arm and the One True Otaku on the floor bleeding heavily from her nose. The ridiculously big katana shined brightly as cherry blossoms fell slowly. Finally, he had completed his quest and retrieved the one blade that could stop the Dark Demon King. His quest had been long and hard with lots of fanservice, but now it could end. He had grown some much as a person, acquiring sexy scars, even getting gayer, but here he stood, the end in sight.

Ron woke up in the nurse's office and noticed two things. The first of course being a headache that could split a mountain in two, the second being a very concerned looking Toby. His head was pounding like a wizard god damned jackhammer, not that he would know what a jackhammer is since wizards don't use them. The crushing pain in his noggin was more on par with the pounding of two mountains having sex, an concept no one except somebody who has experienced that level of pain could understand. Considering the pain he was experiencing, the first thing he said was rather mild.

"Holy fucking wizard shit my fucking head! Wizard god damn, what the wizard fucking-" he would have said more if madam Pomfrey hadn't shoved a bottle in his mouth and poured the contents down his throat. Whatever it was did the trick and it wasn't long before the pain was gone and Ron could speak using words other than swears.

"What happened?" Toby looked ashamed.

"Well... When I ran into you, you fell and hit your head. You've been unconscious for a half hour!"

"Seriously?" Ron was stunned. All that had just been a bizarre head trauma and anime induced dream? Yes, it had been, but there was one thing that wasn't entirely made up. Though the events that had led up to him accepting it had never happened, the fact still rang true: he wanted to bone this dude.

"Hey," Began Ron, blushing furiously, "Do you maybe want to... go out sometime?"

"Sure, we can hang out!"

"No, not hang out, go out, as in on a date?" Toby looked utterly shocked. "It's fine if you don't want, just forget I said anything."

"I would love to." Toby said before silencing him with a kiss. As Ron broke the kiss, there was a single word on his lips.

"Sugoi."


End file.
